I cheated in both my first and second marriage. That's not an easy thing to admit out loud, but in this episode, I'm getting real about cheating in a relationship, self forgiveness, and how to forgive yourself for past mistakes. I talk honestly about repeating the same pattern twice, sitting with guilt, and what it actually took for me to finally break the cycle.
If you're struggling with letting go of guilt and regret, wondering how to forgive yourself and move on, or trying to figure out how to stop making the same mistakes in relationships, this episode is for you.
I dig into signs of insecurity in a relationship and how insecurity affects relationships, including my own, long before I understood what I was really chasing. I talk about the validation I was searching for underneath the infidelity, insecurity that traced back to childhood rejection, and how I finally learned to love myself instead of looking for that love outside of myself. That inner work is what led me to meeting my now-husband, Justin, and finally understanding real intimacy and real healing.
This is an honest conversation about reframing past mistakes, turning your mistakes into lessons, and how to learn from your mistakes in a relationship instead of repeating them. Whether you're carrying guilt, working through self forgiveness, or just trying to figure out how to move forward after a bad decision, I hope this reminds you that your life is not ruined because of something you did or something that happened to you. Growth is always available to you, no matter how many times you've had to learn the same lesson.
So I cheated in both my first and second marriage. Is that why they broke up? No, but it was a contributor, right? And I am not proud of this. But we're talking about redefining mistakes today. And those were, those were mistakes that I don't really like, I like to say I don't believe in mistakes, like everything happens for a reason, which it does. But when those are, those are some big ones, right? Like maybe you've been cheated on, maybe you've cheated, maybe, maybe you haven't, I don't know, but you probably know a lot of people who have and have, you know, been on both sides of that fence.
And I think that I've had to really work on myself enough to be honest about it, right? Because like being honest about that is, is very challenging, because people could judge you. Right? Anytime we're, we're looking at something that's a mistake, that's probably something we feel some shame about. And we have to really look at it to figure out why and to redefine it and, and make it mean something in our lives, mean something other than, oh, my God, that was a mistake. I can't believe I did that. Right? We have to really look at ourselves and say, why did I make that not only one marriage, but in another?
Right? You have to go like, okay, clearly, I'm repeating a mistake. Maybe you're not repeating it. But that's when I repeated. So that's why I'm using that as an example. And, you know, I've, like I said, I don't believe in mistakes, per se, like, because, I don't know, I feel like they are a lot of times a gift to us, to help us be better, be better people, to understand ourselves better to get, get out some of our issues, and realize that if we're hurting people or hurting ourselves, then we need to learn, grow, and do better.
So obviously, I didn't really do that the first time. And I mean, the second time, first time, whatever. I did, I didn't, I repeated my mistake. And so after that, I had to go look, that may not have been why the marriage broke up. But it's definitely something that I need to pay attention to. Because I, I was doing this as hurting people and hurting myself, essentially, right? Mistakes hurt us, you know. And so if you have something in your life that you consider a mistake, well, I mean, let's talk about it.
Let's figure out, you know, how we can redefine these things and make them mean something in our lives. Because that's essentially what I had to do. Finally, I had to look at myself and say, what are you needing? What are you searching for? And for me, it was validation. Like I was insecure, and didn't validate myself didn't even know how didn't properly love myself unconditionally. And that was at the root of it. And spoiler alert, that's at the root of it for most things, right? We're not loving ourselves. We're not understanding, like that we are seeking something most of the time.
I was reflecting when I was reflecting on this to like what to, what mistake to choose to talk about on this episode. I had, I had some other ones that I don't know if I'd call them mistakes. They were just choices that I made that were very poor choices. I stole something in college a couple times. I lied when I was young. I mean, those are very poor choices that we can deem mistakes, right? And I think a mistake is just, you know, something that hurts people, right? And doesn't serve our lives in the best way possible.
And, you know, I mean, sure, you can make a mistake while you're driving and have an accident, right? That's a little bit different. I think we're talking about those choices that we make that are wrecking our own, wrecking the car of our life, so to speak, right? So these mistakes really showed me a lot. I think that I finally, once I started loving myself more, it made me more honest. And it made me want to live way more honestly and way more aligned. And that means speaking up a lot of times and, and then just understanding within myself that I needed that validation.
I was craving acceptance. And I don't know where it goes back to. I've talked to some different like therapist type people. And, you know, I know that I had a friend, my first really close friend. Well, my first really close friend was probably my sister. And, and we were very close until we, you know, until we weren't for a while when we got a little older. And I think I did experience some rejection there. And then my first friend friend in elementary school, I've talked about her before, there was a lot of rejection there.
And I didn't, I didn't have the tools to deal with that. And I don't think my mom quite understood how to guide me through that either, because it's hard. And I think that those instilled something in me that needed this validation, and left me feeling pretty insecure in any relationship, right? Friendship, or romantic. And so I felt like I needed to know that like, I was valuable in some way, if we want to call it valuable. And, and that's, that's what I was seeking, when I was seeking something. And, and, and, and, you know, it's, I'm not even gonna say I wasn't getting it in my marriage.
I just, I just, it was an, it's just a bottomless pit. It's a bottomless pit. Like, we're never gonna get it until we give it to ourselves. Right? Even surrendering to, to God, maybe. Surrendering to our higher power? Maybe. But that involves loving yourself too. Understanding that you have this gift of life. And you love this gift of life. And you're willing to surrender. Right? So I want to say they're gifts, I guess. But they're, yeah, I mean, they're gifts. They're things that we can find. I think it's a bit of a stretch to say gratitude for.
Because am I grateful for those? Yes. No, not really. But yes. No, but yes, I am. I am grateful that I finally paid attention and finally woke up and finally started loving myself properly. And, and now, I mean, it's, it's so gone. I mean, that's one of the reasons I got married again. Because I'm a completely different person now. Like, it doesn't even cross my mind. I won't even, like the things that I would do and interact with people and the ways that I would interact with them and stuff before are completely gone.
Like, I just do not want that. And I don't want it for my life. And that doesn't feel like it's on the up. And stealing? Like, I mean, absolutely not. That's an absolute no. You know, and like, so I just, were they gifts? I think that looking at them, we can understand how to grow from it. And that's when it does become some kind of a, some kind of a gift, or a lesson, maybe you prefer to call it a lesson. And you don't have to be grateful for it necessarily.
But you can definitely recognize it as the lesson that it is, and the opportunity that it's calling you higher, calling you to grow, calling you to step into that next version of yourself, that is willing to change. But first, you got to do that deep work, right? And understand that, maybe I'm not loving myself enough. What am I really seeking here? You know, I mean, I thought it was something completely other than what it was. Even, even after I split up from my second marriage, I was like, Oh, clearly, I'm not cut out for marriage.
Clearly, I'm not cut out for just monogamy. Like, so, okay, I'll, I'll be have open relationships or something like that. And the more work I did on myself, and then I met Justin, and I was like, Hmm, this is interesting. I don't want that with him. I'd really like to know what true intimacy is. I'd really like to know how, how much my heart can open and how deep my relationship could become with with one person. And I know that probably sounds pretty remedial to some people, because they're probably there a lot sooner than I was.
But, but it was, it was magical for me, like, suddenly, magical is not the right word. It was revelatory for me, because I was like, Whoa, I really thought I was a completely different person. But once I started doing the work and loving myself, turns out, I'm not. I'm a one man woman. That's all I want. I want. I want. I love Justin, period. End of story. And I just feel so very lucky. So, you know, maybe, maybe they were all gifts, in a sense. Because it led me to where I am right now.
Right? I think that's a really great way to look at your life to be able to look at all the things from your past and just say, Wow, you know what, those all led me to right here to, you know, whatever wonderful thing is happening in your life. And, and, and like, that's, that's where some gratitude lies, right? Would I change anything? I don't know. We can't, right? We can't change anything. We don't have control over the past. But what we do have control over is what we use that past to mean now, and to mean in our lives.
And for who we are, and who we're becoming next. Because we're always able to grow. And that's why I've said there aren't mistakes, right? Because we're always able to grow from them. They can always be lessons. They can always be things that make us say, I'm grateful for everything that's happened and every choice I've made, because it's led me to right here. And, and, and I am happy and at peace with where I am in my life. Hmm. Right. So we can control what we're going to make of that thing that we've done.
That mistake. And sometimes it's not even necessarily a mistake. It's just something that happened, you know, redefining the past in general. Did you see the movie The Invitation with Seth Rogen? Because in that movie, you know, he's looking back on his life. And he's lamenting the breakup of his band, but not even appreciating the wonderfulness that's in his life at that moment, at that time, all the good things he has going on. Instead, he's just, he's just fixated on, on that thing in the past. And you know what, that actually could also be validation, right?
He wanted to be in a big band, he wanted like that whole thing, right? Like, then you, so many times it comes down to simple stuff. It comes down to, uh, self-love value, like, and yeah, that's pretty much it. I think, I mean, at least as for me, and when you look at him, like, why did he want to be in that band? Right. I mean, maybe, yes, he loved the camaraderie and all that, but he liked that the band was doing something like that. They had a hit song, right.
But he couldn't even listen to it because he was just so bothered. Instead of, instead of considering a gift that he was able to have the life that he has at the present moment, and to impact students and to be with his wonderful wife and not have to tour or whatever else, right? I mean, it can be something that's just happened. But sometimes it takes a long time too. So you know what, if it takes time, that's okay. It does. It took me time to make sense of, of the infidelities.
I almost said it, I almost said it singular, of the infidelities. But it, it takes time to, to make sense of anything that's gone on in your life, whether you chose it or not, right? It takes time and that's okay. Give it time, but let it be the lesson, right? Let it be the lesson. I mean, otherwise you're going to keep repeating it. And take it from me, that's not that fun. Repeating the mistake is not that fun. So anyway, your life is far from ruined. If you've made a mistake, if you've made a bad choice, you can learn from it, you can grow from it, you can reframe it, you can make it mean something in your life.
And who knows who that's going to impact. Like, look at me now. I'm talking about it right now. I don't know. Maybe it's going to impact someone. I hope so. I hope so. I want that, right? I want someone to be impacted in a, in a good way by the things that I say. That's why I share, well, that's why I share so candidly and subject myself to possible judgment, right? So, and put it out here for all the world to see. So probably a little crazy, but, but that's okay.
That's okay. That's okay. We can be a little crazy. I mean, shit, the things we've done are a little crazy, right? So anyway, I'm always here for you. Please comment, rate, whatever, subscribe, follow all the things. If you can share it with a friend, maybe talk about it with them. I just, I'm, I'm thrilled that you're here and I'm thrilled that you're here for you because like showing up, that's showing up. Hell, held to the yeah for that. Keep going. Keep shining bright till next time.