Have you ever wondered why some friendships just start to fade, even when nothing dramatic ever happened? In this episode, I'm talking about outgrowing friendship, drifting apart from friends, and how to know when a friendship is over.
This isn't about the big blowup friendship breakup. This is about the slow fade, the quiet drift, the moment you realize a friendship has simply run its course. If you've ever asked yourself how to let go of a friendship, wondered why do friends drift apart, or found yourself cutting ties with toxic people who no longer align with your values, this conversation is for you.
I share the story of two friends I'll call Isabelle One and Isabelle Two, two decades-long friendships that quietly expired once I got sober and realized we were simply out of alignment. I also talk about the flip side: a lifelong friendship that almost faded but came roaring back once we both got healthier.
Whether you're navigating outgrowing your friends, letting go of old friendships, or just trying to figure out if an unhealthy friendship has expired, I'm giving you real tools to work through it, including my favorite gauge for knowing when it's time to let go: the wedding test. I talk about muting instead of cutting, why you don't owe anyone your time or energy, and how to "water the grass" of the new friendships that are actually aligned with who you are now.
Letting go of friendships isn't always dramatic. Sometimes it's just quietly making space for the people who are actually growing alongside you.
How do we know when to let those friendships go? How do we know? Is it just a habit? Sometimes we're just dragging things out because it's comfortable. It's easy, right? Friendships can do the same as a romantic relationship, right? We can just get comfortable with it and it's just like force of habit or something like that when it's really not serving us. And I'm going to give you a gauge at the end of this to kind of determine, okay, it has this run, it's course.
I have like something that you can treat as like your little meter. A little friendship meter. Is it has your friendship expired? Has it run its course? This is different than a dramatic friendship breakup. This isn't like something big happened. This is more like the slow fade out, the fade to black. This is more like, I feel like this is run its course. What do I do now? So what do you do now, right? Because you're not having the breakup conversations. We talked about that in the last episode and how we have like breakup conversations with romantic relationships but not with friendships.
And so that's that's a different story. This is like, how do I know that this has expired? And personally, I'm a little codependent. So for someone like me that can can keep giving and giving and staying in something even when it's not healthy, we have to learn, we have to learn how. I get it. But so many times we're just out of alignment. And I'm going to give you an example of two friends that happen to have the same name actually that the friendship just didn't work anymore.
It just didn't align. It had just expired. So we're going to call them, we're going to call them Isabel. We're going to call them Isabel one and Isabel two. Okay. So I've known them for a really long time, each of them. One maybe six or seven years longer than the other one. But still, we're talking it's going back decades here. And so Isabel one, I thought we were pretty good friends. But as time has worn on, the way that she's living her life is... And okay, let me just say too, I have a lot of friends that have completely different lives than me.
I have friends that have just had babies. I have really close friends that are single and 40. You know, like just they're all over the map. I have friends that are living all different ways. And when I say she was living in a different way, it means... I think it means a lot of drugs and alcohol a lot of times. I think it means a lot of like just a different way in that regard. And like because I was like, what are these two Isabel's having common? And that's kind of what they have in common.
And like I feel like there was a habit there of being friends and keeping up the friendship. And maybe seeing each other in certain social circumstances. But ultimately, you know, we were out of alignment, especially once I got sober. But this was, this was even before I got sober. This was to a degree that when we talk to each other, it just didn't make sense to me. And I didn't feel fulfilling in any friendship way. And if I was asked for advice, they wouldn't take the advice.
It was just really out of alignment. And I knew that both of these had pretty much run their course. And like I mentioned so variety. I'm four years sober, something like that. Three years, four years, I forget. Anyway, I'm in sober for a few years now. And that has been a big catalyst too. Because you go like, oh my god, we were just drinking buddies. Shit, that friendship ran its course because all we're doing is just getting fucked up together, right? Listen, I had plenty of those.
Plenty, okay? And these two might fall in that category as well. But it just didn't feel like there was any growth there. And I think with your friends, you want to feel like they are growing too. And you're growing like alongside each other, right? Rather than just one of you's not growing at all, I don't know. You know, like we're all gonna have phases where we don't grow, sure. But I think that it's more than that. And I bet you know what I'm talking about, right?
Because Isabelle wanted to, that's how I felt. Like even though our lives were different, it just something was too different. And yeah, like I said, there was, there was like pills and, and, and booze involved. So, we're friendly. We're still friendly. But I can tell that I just, that's not where I want to spend my time. And I think the older we get, we know how valuable our freaking time is. And you, you don't have time to devote to things that, that don't feel right, or perhaps aren't, aren't aligned with your own values.
And I think tapping into our values is a good place to determine whether these friendships have, friendships have expired. And like if somebody is constantly having a fairies in line, maybe that's not aligned with your values. You know, maybe that's not what you want. But if they're trying to do the right thing, or they're trying to get their life together, maybe that does, right? And, but if they're constantly demanding on your time, maybe that doesn't. It can, that pendulum could just swing all over the place.
It can swing in circles. It can swing all over the place. But you know, it's finding that, that understanding of your own values. And then going, oh, wait, I'm a person that values authenticity. And they're lying in their business and then gloating about it and taking advantage of someone. You know, like, and then you're just like, yeah, like that, this friendship has reached, reached this point where maybe you can say something about it if you're close enough friends.
Or maybe you're just willing to step back, give it some space, give it time, see what happens. Right? Because sometimes things, things real line without us expecting in it anything. And, you know, years of Alainon have taught me that we don't always have to try to fix things. Like, we can just step back, lean back, you know, nurture our own life and our own environment. And, and, and let the chips fall, right? Like, just, just relax. We don't have to lean in and fix everything.
You can actually just devote yourself to your own self-love, your own life, your own beautiful life. And if that's meant to come back around, it will. It will. Sometimes these things, you know, have just kind of run their course. And I feel like both those Isabelle's kind of have for me. Anyway, anyway, I think that even though we're friendly, you know, I didn't invite either of them to my wedding. And, and that's one of the things that I'm going to kind of point out too, as we, as we get into how to determine this.
But I think like tapping into your values, tapping into for me, for me, like my, I always say that my number one thing in a romantic partner is a growth mindset. Like, not since a humor, not, you know, a million other things. It is a growth mindset. And so, I've realized that I value that in friendship too. And one of my longest friendships, Elizabeth, she, we've been friends since we were 12. And she lives here in Austin still, or now, like whatever. And we, we have been very close all these years.
And a few years ago, when I got sober, I could tell the difference that she wasn't. And I felt like, gosh, were we drinking buddies? Because we were. We had patterns of drinking and smoking and all this stuff, like from the time we could, like from age 15. And so, I was like, gosh, you know, I was kind of worried that some of our friendship had too much of that as a foundation. And so, I could tell too when we talked on the phone or something, if she wasn't sober, it just, I was like, I can't do this.
And so, I was like, kind of worried about it. And then one day, a couple of years ago, she was like, I have quit drinking. And I was like, what? And our friendship just got completely renewed. Because I don't know. I think like in your 40s and 50s, drinking just like loses its lustre at a certain point. It's like, it's not cute anymore. You know, you're kind of, it kind of becomes sad. You're like, what are you doing? And so, anyway, she quit. And she feels better.
And we've connected better. And our friendship is, you know, there for the lifetime, really, truly, that would shock me if it wasn't. But anyway, like sometimes you just give it space a little bit. And it could have gone either way, really, with that one. But look, it went great. Like my birthday's coming up and I'm going to hang out with her. Right? So, I think that while those things can come back around, understanding that they do run their course sometimes, can leave us feeling a little bit of a void.
And there's some fear there, like, uh-oh, will I find new people? But you will. I want to remind you that there are lots of people out there that you can connect with and find really deep, lasting friendships with. So, you know, we have to make space for the new. And if you're spending your time on a friendship that doesn't align and feels, yeah, just feels, feels out of alignment, then there's no room for a new one to come in. And so, you really do have to lean back into your own beautiful life and give space for the new things to come in.
Maybe you want to go to a new class or some, I don't know, spiritual gathering or something. I don't know. Whatever that might be. Right? You can find new people. So, some tactics to you, not tactics. Maybe that's not the right word. Some tools, some tools to use when you're figuring out if this friendship has expired or not. I think that mute is your friend. You don't have to see everything they're doing on social media. Right? Sometimes, sometimes you need that.
So, sometimes you can mute it and they'll never know. And you just kind of can take that noise out and give it some space. And what? Maybe things will start to evolve one way or the other and you'll connect. But I think just muting it and giving it space and letting it get a little bit silent can have a lot of value in you checking into how you feel about it. And if it is something that you really want to rekindle or make time for. Right? So, number two, you don't owe everyone.
So, like, people may try to come back around to you and, you know, think that they've given you so much that you owe them your friendship and your time and you don't. You don't owe anyone anything. And like I said, I'm a recovering codependent. I've been in a lot of Alonon and you just don't. You don't owe anyone anything. It's not transactional. Friendship shouldn't be transactional. And you can step away from that. And if someone's demanding something on you like that, I think that that's a really big sign that this isn't a healthy friendship and where you need to be spending your time.
Where we need to be spending our time, right? Been there. Number three is the gauge that I mentioned earlier. So, the wedding test. So, at least that's what I'm calling it. Because in the last episode, I talked about my wedding invitations and how it made me realize, you know, which friends I really felt close to at this point in my life. And so, I think, you know, doing a wedding test and thinking about who you really want there and who you really don't can kind of give you a pretty good picture of has this friendship expired.
Because if the answer is like, I don't really want them at my wedding, just make up a pretend wedding. And just you're making an invitation list for a pretend wedding. And or just keep that in your mind like when you encounter them, that's like what you go to in your mind, you go like, when I buy them to my wedding. And if the answer is like, Eeeh, oh, that's a no. I mean, if the answer is a hesitation, then I'm going to say that's probably a no. So, that's just a good, like, little gauge.
Are they invited to your wedding? Then that friendship is probably on its way out, right? But if there's someone you feel enthusiastic about, and this is like the last tool that I'll share, if there's somebody that you're feeling enthusiastic about, then water that grass, you know, like if there's somebody you're like, oh, I really like them, but we're not close enough, maybe, for me to invite them to my wedding. Then you, and if you've been married a long time, just whatever, just it's your vow renewal.
I don't know. And so you can just like, water, like spend time, maybe reach out to that person, invite them to something. I just had something come up, and I just invited someone hadn't seen in a while, who I really love. And so I invited her because I thought, you know, I want to foster that friendship and spend my time there. And so water the grass, that, you know, feels really good. That's aligned with your yard right now, right? Like, that feels really good to me.
I know that I have a friend that keeps popping up, I don't know her super well, but we've gone for walks together in the last year or so. And it just feels really good. We're really on the same page. I feel like I can trust her and open up to her. And I love what she's doing with her life. And she's just so cool and funny. And, and like, I'm like, very excited about that. And so now I've made space in my life. And I feel like, you know, I'm really excited to reach out to her.
And even if she doesn't reach out to me sometimes, it doesn't matter. Don't take that personally. Just let it go and, and just reach out to people. I mean, there is a certain point. I do have one friend that I absolutely love. And I have reached out to her so many times. And at a certain point, I was like, she's not reaching back out. She's not making time for me. So I know she's busy, but I was just like, and a certain point you just kind of go, okay, maybe, maybe later, you know, I can take a hint.
But you can spend time reaching out to someone and, and watering those new friendships as they come along. So I just think that that is such an interesting thing to explore for myself. Like, why did those expire? It was such a fun, like, little fun. Maybe that's not the right word. It was just such an interesting little exercise for me to do to just kind of be like, like, what was it? Like the two Isabelle stuff. I was like, what was it about them that that just kind of made me go like, this isn't working.
And it's just interesting, isn't it? So anyway, keep, remember the wedding test. Would you invite them? And then the answers know, well then, the answers know. I'm letting my polisanto just invite you to take a deep breath with me. And just remember, we're all evolving, we're all growing. Who knows? Right? You're showing up for yourself. And that's a beautiful thing. And I just commend you for that once again, because you, you're doing the thing, you know, you're learning and showing up for yourself.
And I just can't thank you enough for being here. I'm just, it just like warms my heart. And let me so much. Keep shining bright. Till next time.