Friendship breakups can hurt just as deeply as romantic breakups, but we don't always talk about them that way. When a friendship ends, there often isn't a clear breakup conversation, closure, or even an acknowledgment that you're grieving.
Sometimes a friendship ends after a betrayal or a major conflict. Other times, you simply realize that the relationship no longer brings peace into your life. And when it's someone you thought would be in your life forever, losing a friend can leave a surprisingly deep emotional impact.
In this episode, Amy talks honestly about friendship breakups, losing longtime friends, and what it really takes to heal when an important friendship comes to an end. She shares personal stories of friendship breakups throughout her life, from teenage friendships to complicated adult friendships and friendships that became tangled with business, and explores why some endings can feel so much like a divorce.
When I asked my friend about this massive friendship breakup that he had, he goes, well, we didn't have a conversation about it or anything, like a definitive conversation. And I just thought, do we ever, with friendship breakups, I started thinking about friendship breakups I've had. And I'm like, did we ever have, I mean, there was some that had an egregious moment where it was like, we're done here. But was there like a breakup conversation, like you have a romantic relationship?
Not really. That's not really a thing that we do. And I would venture to say that friendship breakups have a really lasting impact on us as much as a divorce could. OK, maybe not as much as a divorce depends. But they can have a massive impact on our psyche. We can go through grief. We can go through all those feelings. And I don't think that we understand the impact. Or I don't think that, like, as a society, when I say we, I don't think we, like, as a society, put as much emphasis and weight on it as we should, because it's really, can be really traumatic.
I know mine have been. Now, I mean, we just do it so different than a romantic breakup. And I know that some friendship breakups are like, they just sort of fade away, right? We're not talking about those today. Or maybe you've had a friendship that was sort of in a contained environment or situational. And you were very, very close for a certain amount of time. And then when that dissipated, you weren't me more. We're not really talking about those. Or maybe a friendship that was like out of habit, or maybe one that was due to certain life circumstances.
We're not really talking about those either today. I think I should do an episode on, like, when to know a friendship. A friendship is run its course, right? It has expired. I definitely want to do that. But I'm talking about the ones that are like, really, we think they're life first. We think we're in it for life with this person. Like, they are a ride or die in our lives. And maybe people that you say I love you too. Because I don't know why you, I say I love you to a lot of my friends.
And I have for many, many years. I can remember the first time I did that. I was like, that just feels right, you know, because you do love them. And, you know, isn't it like the Greeks have all those different words for different types of love? Like, this is one of those loves. That's why when it's over, it can really rock our worlds. For sure, at least, at least it's rocked mind plenty of times. So that's what I want to talk about today. And I've got four things that are kind of just like, go to to consider when you feel like you've been through a friendship breakup and you aren't sure, like, how to handle it.
That's what I'm thinking about. And, in long term, because I'll go ahead and spoiler alert, okay, but time heals things in ways that we never could have predicted. And it gives us new perspectives. It has for me. And I've had friendships come back around, which I'm going to tell you about today, that have really surprised me, but it couldn't have happened without time. So we'll definitely get to that. Okay, so we're talking about these real ones, right? And like, I think we're lucky in our lives to have a handful of people that are the real ones.
To have a handful of good, long-time friends, people you love and trust and can count on. I mean, we're lucky to have a few. And that's part of why it's so dramatic, right? And so like, impacting when something happens, it is for me. One of my first lessons with a friend breakup was when I was 15, and it was right before my sophomore year. I went to Colleen High School, home of the fighting kangaroos, I know, I know. And I had a best friend that I had been best friends with for, I don't know, since we were probably like five or six, we'd been really close.
And then in middle school, and our first year of high school, we were best friends. And I mean, I had several very, very close friends and she was one of those. And right before our sophomore year, I'm gonna make this long story very, very short, but essentially she stole $50 from me. And I didn't even realize, and a friend that was visiting figured it out, and my mom figured it out. And I was like, you know what, school's starting. I don't even wanna really deal with this.
And I was like, I'll just put some distance between me and the friend, you know, because like, that's not cool. But I was just gonna let it go. Well, I walk in school the first day of school. And a guy, I remember who it was, was Cedric Talley. Cedric walks up to me and he goes, I can't believe that you accused friend's name. I can't believe that you accused her of stealing $50 from you. That was so uncool she would never do that. I was just like, really? I was like, well, wait, what?
And I realized that she had completely turned it around, made herself the victim, and me, the perpetrator, whatever. And not taking any responsibility and made me look terrible. And I was like, I wasn't even gonna say anything to anybody. And I still didn't, I was just stunned. But it reinforced that this was not a healthy friendship and that she had already done something else to me. So I was like, okay, I'm stepping away from this, but I was still in a situation where I had to figure out how to navigate this person being around all the time, seeing them in school, seeing them at school events, classes, whatever.
And I had to figure out how to still be kind and all that, but not have a closeness there. And I did it. And I remember that that was just a huge life lesson for me. And I, she has come back around in later years to try to be friends, but it just, it was messy and strange. And so that just, it just never aligned again. And that was for the best. And that's what happens, right? We just, we learn these lessons. And I think when you hear people come in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, I think that it's hard to know at first what it's gonna be for sure.
But I don't really like a reason because it sounds like you're using them for some reason, but I prefer to think of reason more as like a lesson, right? Like, oh, that was something I really needed to learn and be shown. And I just think that's kind of a healthier perspective on it. I don't know, something like that. So then we get to adulthood, you know, we get older and we think like, oh, we're all adult here. Yeah, right. I mean, oh my God, we're all adult here.
I mean, if you're like young and think that everyone's gonna get it together when they're adults, I have a major spoiler alert here because they don't oftentimes. They don't. I'm still stunned that people in their 50s who act like they are in high school and it is shocking to me. But anyway, I think that you become more adult-ish, which to me translates to you want peace in your life and you're less willing to tolerate drama. And I think that's where a lot of these friendship breakups come in, right?
Like, they fall away when you're just less willing to tolerate the drama, right? Things happen. So, you know, I feel like there's a side conversation that we can have here too that's about that knowing when they need to fall away. And so, I'm gonna definitely do that on a different episode of next week. So, first off though, I just wanna say that sometimes things do happen in a relationship that change everything, change the dynamic and sure there can be friends break up, friend breakups when there's a massive betrayal.
If somebody's slept with your husband or something like that, right? Or, you know, stole from you, whatever it is. Sure, those are like massive things. I think these are also just those kind of breakups where it's just completely not aligning and it feels like too much drama's in your life and you've got to step away. How do we do that and how do we deal with it afterward? That's what we're talking about. I also wanna just say too, if you're mixing business with friendship, that can be troublesome.
My dad, when I went into business, I used to own a clothing store in like, from 99 to 2005 and I did it with a friend. And it was a great learning experience in so many ways, but when I went into it, my dad said, I have never had a partnership, a business partnership with a friend that ended well. And I remember thinking, that's concerning, very concerning. So, I really had to talk with her and we were like, let's treat this as a marriage and I want us always to be on the up and up with it.
And so, we really had a good conversation before we began to prioritize our friendship and honesty and transparency with each other. And she is such a good person that we manage to stay friends and even with the closing of the business, even with both our husbands at the time, having a knockdown fight about it. And I remember she and I just being like, oh Lord, you know, like they were so upset about, I don't even know what it was like, about paying a loan back to my dad or something.
Anyway, she and I, she, I remember while they were having the fight too, she was like, I don't even want to be a part of this. And I was like, me either. So, we just didn't. And it was our business. So, we were like, whatever, fuck that. So, anyway, I think that that's unannomally because I've definitely had friends who've had businesses together. Oh my gosh, I know two friends right now, like I'm not super close with them, but they're in a lawsuit because of some business stuff that went down with them.
I mean, that's the kind of thing that starts to happen, right? Business, money, it all gets in the way of friendship. And I would say if you loan somebody money, only loan an amount that you can just forget about and don't expect back because that can really be a problem in friendship. And business is kind of the same way, right? Money's involved. And then people get weird. And I know some other friends who own a store together. And like things came between them and it was just tense.
And that was a real bummer because I'm friends with all of them. So how do you manage that and navigate that weird energy? But you know what, time has fixed it. And that has been a beautiful thing to witness. And so I'm gonna even address that on down the road in our conversation here. So really, I think, oh, also business, I do wanna address one of my own friendship breakups with that business one. I was in a band with friends and once it became a business is when the shit really hit the fan.
Like once it became a business, it was my voice cracked. That's always like an indicator that like I'm having a motion. Once it became a business and one person was kind of footing the bill and expecting to run things, the friendships couldn't survive that. And that was probably the most impactful friendship break up in my adult life. It felt like a divorce. It felt like betrayal. It felt like shocking and sad. And I was in grief for a long time. And yet still struggling to like not disparage them and talk bad about them, even though I would have liked to.
I mean, I guess I have one or two friends that I was able to really vent to that understood and knew all the players in that whole scenario. But it was just, again, business came into it and things got really messed up. And to the tune of, I mean, this was a friend that went with me to file my divorce paperwork for my first divorce. Like a good friend. And it just fell apart in a way that I never expected and I was so fucking sad. And I was just left on my own because I'd been in the band with them and I was just like, well, now I'm on my own.
And I like having friends to do stuff with. I mean, I am co-dependent in recovery. And so I think that I just loved having those people with me and doing it together. And then I was just on my own and that was really, really challenging not to have a bandmate and a close friend and someone to do that with and create with. And I ended up having a friend to do that with and my friend Yates and then he died. Well, that's a whole another side. Okay, anyway, that's a terrible friend break up, right?
But anyway, it was just really, really definitive in my life with where my life was going to. And so, I mean, these things can happen. And that one, there wasn't necessarily a huge conversation around it either, right? None of these had that like a, like a we have to talk. You know, we're breaking up kind of a thing, right? Friendships just aren't like that. And if you've had that, I would love to know about it. I think that's so rare. Unless an agree just acts takes place.
But even then you kind of don't, right? You just want to walk away. All right, so we're going to come back to my, my one that I was just talking about too with the band also in just a minute. So the four things, let's just go ahead and get into the four things. So I love this like organizational concept of reducing friction. That's like one of the reasons to get organized in your life is to reduce friction. So you're not constantly searching for your keys. They're always in the same place like that sort of thing.
Your makeup brushes all lined up the way you want them and then you don't have to hunt for them, that kind of thing. And I think that friendship can be the same concept. So reducing friction. And what that means is that when you notice that somebody is causing a lot of drama and it's affecting your life, you gotta reduce that friction. You gotta take that down like a lot of notches. And that was one of my friendship breakups like in my late 40s. She had already done some other things.
She'd been a good friend in some ways and a okay friend in other ways and then red flags had been abounding here and there. And then she did something egregious. She revealed things about my life to someone I was in the middle of a divorce with and a very tough divorce. And it ended up, and it happened on my birthday. She did this on my birthday. And revealed things about my life that, and she was going through a divorce too. So she knew, like I would never tell her ex-husband anything about her life.
And she goes and reveals things about my life that I would prefer to have kept private. And they just caused a lot of problems. I mean, when I talk about the darkest time of my life, which I have a lot, that was it. It was a catalyst for really, really tough time in my life. It cost me a lot of money, like legally. And it wasn't money I had. I was not flush with cash at that point. And it was just, it was really hard. And I was so shocked and stunned. And when I told one of my other friends, the friend from the beginning of this episode, he, I told him what happened.
And he was like, and she was like, oh, I had been drinking, you know, whatever. And that, no, that's not going to work. He goes, I don't care if I had 85 drinks, I would still never tell him anything about your life. And I was like, exactly. And I knew that I was the same way I would never. And so I was like, this isn't a friend. This is not a friend. Somebody who's creating more drama in your life. That's not a friend. That's not reducing friction. That's not bringing peace.
And so I stepped away. And with time she has come back around. And when I say stepped away, I actually blocked her on some social media channels, which I'm not really a blocker. It takes a lot for me to block, but I was like, no, no. So she emailed me and was like, I can't believe you're blocking me, whatever. And I was like, I think I said something like, what is wrong with you? Sidebar, don't say that to someone. They don't like it. It doesn't go over well.
And that really made her mad. And so she was really pissed off about that. But I was just like, I'm not even in the mood to be like, yell that by you. I don't need this from a friend. Like I got enough going on right now. Like I need peace. And like, let's just be my friend. And it was just like all this drama and bullshit. And I was like, I'm out. I'm out. And I stepped away. And for my own health and reduced that friction. And that was the right choice. And yeah, she's come back around and suggested doing something together.
And I think I am blocked or whatever. But I just, I think that that just ran its course. That was one of those things that's like a friendship for a season. And all that shit happened. And is it for the best? I don't know. I wouldn't wish that upon anybody. Anyway, anyway. OK, number two, allow yourself time to grief. If you really, even if you're the one choosing this, if you're not the one choosing it, it doesn't matter. Like, allow yourself that time to grieve.
Because I think we just gloss over friendship break up so many times. And they are really heart-wrenching. And we have to treat it as something that we are grieving. Even if it's changing forms, you can grieve that. It's OK. Just like you would a breakup from a romantic partner. You can grieve that. And it can come back and hit you when you don't expect it, just like grief does. And you can just be like, ah, wow. That hurts my heart. And I remember it. And life goes on.
So treat it just like something it was real. It was real. And we have to give ourselves space for grief. Because it's not what it used to be, right? The friendship is not maybe ever going to be the same. Or maybe it's going to evolve into something better. We don't know. It can. We're going to get to time. So number three, stay attuned to your feelings right now. And I say this because I think in a friendship break up, sometimes we can get fooled into thinking, uh-oh, I've got this life event.
And I've got to include this person, like an obligation. That's what it is. It's this feeling of obligation. And staying attuned to your feelings right now can remind you, like, oh, no, this has changed. I am allowed to grieve this. I am allowed to understand that things aren't as they used to be. And for me, a big wake up with this was last year when I was planning my wedding to with Justin. And it was a destination wedding. And so we couldn't invite everyone.
And plus, you know, we only wanted to keep it. I didn't want it too big, right? And Justin had a lot of people he wanted to invite. And so I really reflected on the people that I wanted there. And I mean, there was, like, the friend I mentioned earlier, the one in the band, like, I love her. But I was like, I don't feel the need to invite her to my wedding. And I didn't. And that was something I kind of wrestled with a little bit. But all in all, I think it was the right decision for me because it brought up a lot of feelings for me.
And it was a really, really hard time in my life that friendship break up. And so I just decided that for my own mental health, paying attention, staying attuned to my feelings right now, that that wasn't the right choice. And so I didn't. And you know what? Life went on. Everything was fine. It was fine. And then sometimes there were friends that were new that were there. And it was really special. So, you know, I think just being present gets us out of obligation and gets us out of, I have to, I should, those sort of feelings.
And instead into, like, what is this right now? And I need to take care of myself, right? So, and again, like, a lot of times too, if someone doesn't invite me to something, I'm able to let it roll off because I'm like, it's okay, it's okay. That's just not, like, no big deal, right? That's just where we're at right now. And I think when you can get that understanding within yourself too, it's just really, it just really is relaxing and easier. It just makes life easier, totally.
And number four, here's that big one. Give it time, time, time. Time heals all wounds. It pretty much can. Does it always know? But it pretty much can. And that friend from the band, when my other friend, the one that died, he became my bandmate when he died, we were at his service and she came up to me and she said, you know, I would really love to reconnect and have coffee. And I felt like it couldn't have happened without that time passing of, I think it was eight years, something like that?
I know, isn't that crazy? Eight years. I mean, it takes a decade sometimes. So don't, just, you got time. I mean, I'm always talking about you having time. It's never too late. So, you know, even if you feel like there's something you want to circle back with with someone, you can't give it, give it five years. Give it a little time. It's fine. And you know what she did, but it, it was about me because I had finally gotten to a point where I felt like I really understood her perspective, even though I hadn't talked to her about it.
I understood where she was coming from when all that happened. And I understood what she wanted. I understood, just like that, it wasn't about me necessarily. Like, it wasn't about that. It was about what she wanted and she did what she did. And it gave me a forgiveness toward her, an understanding, and I had already gotten there. And so when she did that, I was in a place of like, sure, let's do. And so we ended up having wonderful coffee and are we as close as we were before?
No. Will we ever be, I don't know. Who knows, maybe? But I mean, it feels good to have that kind of settled and we didn't really discuss anything that had happened back then. And I think that that was for the best, just leaving it there in the past. And because that's just sometimes, what are you gonna say? I mean, yes, we get a lot of perspective. I have another friend that I had a massive friend break up with. And she was involved with my clothing store. And she got mad at me.
I can't remember what happened and I was mad at her and it just blew up. And again, business was involved. And so she walked out and we didn't have any contact for about a decade. And now we've reconnected. We've reconnected several times like over the years. And then now we're friends. We text each other. And we've never really discussed that back then. And I'm okay with that. Like, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. We all have our things that we go through.
So I don't know that you have to rehash anything or go through anything. But everybody has their perspective, right? Everybody does. And I think the more that we can understand that, the better off we are mentally, for sure. So anyway, I've run long on this, but that's what I wanted to go through today was this, this how to cope with those friendship breakups. So just remember, time does heal it. Like it really truly does. It's pretty wild. And even if it doesn't heal it with that other person, it heals it in your own heart.
And it gives you time to grief. And it grieve, not grief. And I'm lighting this polosanto. So you can have your virtual polosanto with me right now. And anyway, just like time is a wild thing. It really truly is. It can give us so much healing and perspective and just space and grace and all those good things. So I'm inhaling polosanto for you or maybe you're lighting something right now too. That always cues me to slow down. Take a deep breath and exhale and just know that you have got this.
You've got this. You are an incredible human being. Just showing up here, you're showing up for growth. You're showing up for yourself. And that is so fucking powerful and amazing. You got this. Keep shining bright. Till next time.