Do you ever catch yourself comparing yourself to others and instantly feeling like a failure? In this episode, I'm talking about comparison, the social media comparison trap, and why comparison is the thief of joy. I share a moment from just the other day when I noticed myself jealous of friends' success, people I actually love, and had to stop and ask myself what was really going on.
This episode is for anyone dealing with comparison anxiety, feeling not good enough, competition with friends, or wondering how to not compete with others in a world that constantly pushes us to measure up. I get honest about my own history with comparing myself to friends, from crying on my kitchen floor in my 30s after being pushed out of a band, to still catching myself feeling not enough even after turning 50. I talk about the difference between feeling inspired and feeling like a failure, and why running your own race isn't just a nice phrase, it's a daily mindfulness for comparison practice.
We'll dig into how comparison quietly destroys self-worth, why success is not a zero-sum game, and how to be happy for others instead of secretly competing with them. I also share how to define success for yourself, a few grounding affirmations for self-worth, and a reminder that noticing comparison creeping in isn't a failure, it's the first step out of it.
If you've ever wondered how to stop comparing myself to friends, how to handle social media comparison, or how to build real affirmations for self-worth, I hope this conversation helps you feel a little more at peace running your own race.
The other day, I mean, I'm looking around on social media and I just, I feel this competitiveness toward people I like. And I don't want to feel that. And there was a part of me that was like, am I sensing something from them? Or, you know, am I just trained? Like, is this just so in my head now that I'm comparing myself endlessly? Comparison is the thief of joy, so they say. And it is so true. That is, that cliche, things are cliches because they're true, right? But that one, man, it hits home for me.
And, you know, I've been doing it a long, long, long, long time comparing myself. Like, I'm good at it, you know? I think back to in my early 40s, my late 30s when I was playing music and I had left the band that I was in. I hadn't left the band. That's not true. I was kicked out. I was asked to leave. I didn't know that. I was told the band was breaking up. The band did not break up. So anyway, I was on my own. That's another story. That's a long story for another time.
Anyway, so I am on my own. And they proceeded to go on and put together this project and invest all this money in it and do all this stuff. And, you know, play all over the place and stuff. And I just compared myself to the degree that I felt like, you know, a loser, to be perfectly candid. Like, I remember crying on my kitchen floor and I was like, I suck. Oh, we're so hard on ourselves. Would I have felt like that if I hadn't compared myself? Maybe. Maybe still. Because no matter what we do, there's somebody out there that's going to be doing it at the next level, doing it better, having more followers, having more success, right?
Making more money. Like, you know, however you want to quantify that. Somebody out there is killing it. And so are we going to be inspired or compete or feel like a loser, right? Like, I think there's, we got those choices. Or ignore it all together. How about option D? Ignore it all together and just remember that we're running our own race. We're doing our own thing. We don't have to participate in all that. And you know what you get when you run your own race? A lot fucking happier. That's what.
So, you know, I remember seeing Peter Crone. If you've ever heard of him, he's like a sort of a neuroscientist type of guy and spiritual too. But he's really interesting. And I heard him on a podcast once and this has stuck with me. Like, just, I think about it at least once a month, if not more. And he was talking and he said, you know, if you're telling yourself you're not doing enough, then you're not doing enough. And I was just like, it's absolutely true. Because I've had to shift in my own mind and go, like, I am doing enough.
I am doing, like, you know, what I have the bandwidth for. I am doing enough. In motherhood in particular, that one really got to me. Because I think that we can easily get sucked in as moms, as parents, into this feeling of everybody else is doing a lot more than me. And I need to be doing more. I need to be doing more. I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing enough. Like, that whole thing. And then you're, it's true. Because you're saying that. Right? What you say is true. So that really, that's something to really play with and think about.
So anyway, I just wanted to bring that up. Because so much of that is comparison. Anytime we're feeling like we're not doing enough. It's a lot of times because we're looking around and we're like, oh my, you're doing what? You're doing what? You already signed them up? You did what? And then you're like, oh my God, I'm not doing enough. And it's just this, it's just because we're comparing ourselves. And it's so dangerous, I feel like, because it can destroy our value, our self-worth, our self-esteem. Just bring us down. It has me so many times in my life.
And it still can. It still has even this year. I mean, when I turned 50, though, I was like, I am done with this. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm not doing it. But it's not a one and done. It's a practice. Just like everything else. Because when you've been practicing it the other way for like most of your life, switching into the practice that I'm not doing that anymore. It doesn't just like, boop, happen. That's like overnight sensation, right? Like, or an overnight success, right? It's a myth because it's not.
That's not the way things work. They don't happen all at once. They take time. They take patience. They take practice. And that's totally okay. It has for me because it still rears up its head. And I go like, oh, my God, here we go again. Actually, no, I don't. I notice it like once I'm in it. I don't notice it the second it happens. Maybe sometimes I do. But it just happened the other day. And then I had this weird sensation where I was just asking myself like, am I feeling competitive with people that I love?
Because it was like people that I know. And I was like, am I feeling competitive? Am I comparing myself to them? Do I need to feel like I'm better in some way? That's a whole other avenue of comparison, isn't it? When you're like competitive because you need to feel like at least I've got this, you know? At least I've got X, like a number of followers. Or I've got this boyfriend or whatever, whatever it is. Or my kids are doing blah, blah, blah, getting into some school. I don't know, whatever.
Right? Or you're making a certain amount of money or something. So you want to feel like you've one-upped. Like you've won. But we're running our own race. That is not a recipe for happiness. That is a recipe for more of the same. And then say they pass you up, then what? Then where are you? Then you're just doing it for all the wrong reasons, right? Which I can totally understand. So I did. I kind of got sucked into this thing. And then I asked myself these questions. Like, what am I even doing?
Like, I wish them well. Their success doesn't take away from mine. It's not a zero-sum game. If you've ever heard of a zero-sum game, that means that there's only so much success to go around. And so it's just all going to balance out. Like, well, if I'm winning, you're losing. You know? That is not the way life works. Abundance spreads. Happiness spreads. All ships rise. That's what I subscribe to. That's what I inherently believe. It's true. It's true. You light a candle with your bright light, you know, your candle. The two shine brighter together.
We don't have to subscribe to that. It's such a negative, awful thing, isn't it? And that's not the case. If they're winning, you're winning. You can win, too. You know what I mean? You know what I mean. You know what I mean. So what do we do when we catch ourself in this cycle, right? Like, what do I do? It's catching it and being aware of it is, like, the number one step, right? And I, the other day when I did it, I noticed it. I paid attention to it. I wondered if perhaps it was coming from somewhere else and I was just picking up on it.
But what if it's not? Who knows? Who cares? All I know is that I don't want that. And I remember laying in bed and thinking, like, what am I doing? I am happy for these people. I want them to do well. I am letting this go. I am not against them. I don't need to one-up them. I don't need to win. I am running my own race. And I think those are just things that we got to remind ourselves and we got to sense it when it's happening. And we got to understand, too, we can define winning for ourselves.
Like, if we're running our own race, how are we defining the win or the enjoyment of it or, you know? Like, how are we defining that? And you have the power to define that however you want. Isn't that fucking amazing? I agree. It is amazing. It is fucking amazing. Because we have that power. We can determine what winning looks like. Maybe winning looks like slow mornings for you. Maybe it looks like freedom to do what you want. Have you heard of that one story where the guy is a fisherman and a businessman comes up to him and says, Oh, my gosh, you should really, like, expand this fishing business.
And the guy's like, Why? And the businessman says, Oh, well, then you could go global. You could, you know, you could go nationwide. Then you could go global. You could sell it to everybody else. And the fisherman keeps saying, I'm butchering this, but whatever. And the fisherman says, you know, then what? And he says, Then you'll make a ton of money. And the fisherman says, Then what? And he says, Well, then you'll be able to do whatever you want. And he says, Then what? And he says, You'll be able to sit and just fish and relax and enjoy your life.
And it's just that whole mindset of, like, all this competition, all these things that we do in order to win. But what does winning look like for real? Maybe it looks like just fishing and enjoying your time, enjoying your life, spending time with your kids, having slow mornings. You know, what else? Maybe your nervous system being calm, spending time with your partner, spending time with your dog, being in nature, having choices, right? It looks like having choices and being able to become here and love your life. And if we're just comparing ourselves, that's not going to happen.
At least not for me, it hasn't happened. Like, that's not been the way to feel really just at ease, peaceful. There's a word we're looking for, peaceful. Oh, my gosh. So you, okay, let's sum up. So what are our points today? Our points are you're running your own race. When the old practice of competitiveness, of comparison crops up, you can just recognize it and move out of it. How do we do that? We get grateful for what we have right now. And we remember our own definition of winning. And if you don't have your own definition of winning, think about it.
Start writing it down. What does success look like to you? What is, like, real success? And I don't mean flying on a private jet. I don't mean that. I mean, does it look like a relaxed nervous system? Does it look like a home you love? Does it look like being able to pick up the tab at dinner for your kids? You know? What is it? Or for your parents. That's better, right? For your parents. So I think that those, once we can get in our heads about, like, what's actually happening here?
And how do I find, define success? Because you can define it for yourself. Then we're talking, right? That gets us out of comparison mode. Out of competition. Out of, I'm not good enough. And into more of, what do I want to create in this life? I remember back in the 90s, like, hearing Tony Robbins. I was like, I had the cassette tapes. And I remember listening to him. I was like, I don't know, late 20s. And I remember listening to him. And just, he was like, you can design your life.
And I was like, what a revolutionary idea. You can? Like, I just remember thinking like, oh, you can design your own life. You can build it into what you want to build it into. And you can. You can. And that's where defining winning, defining success comes in. Because we've had it defined for us, like, everywhere. Oh, it means millions of followers. Oh, it means you're, you know, on a jet to Ibiza or something. So, yeah, I tried to say it right. So, maybe some affirmations. Let's just tap in for a second.
Should I light something? Should I light something? Where is it? Here it is. Here it is. I mean, why not? It feels good. I'm going to give you a little virtual Palo Santo. Because it cues me to slow down. It makes me, like, I don't know. It's like a, like a, an odor cue. And so, like, that helps, right? Just light, light a little something. Light a match. Doesn't matter. Whatever. If you don't have any Palo Santo, light a match. So, I'm lighting some Palo Santo. And it just also clears the air.
And that smell just cues me to slow down, catch my breath, and be, like, right here, right now. Be here now. Which I actually have tattooed right here on my arm. So, she was like, do you want it in another language? And I was like, no. I don't want it in another language. I want it in English. She was like, do you want it centered? And I was like, no. I want it where, like, if I'm staring at my phone, I can, like, look right at it. Oh, yeah. That's what that's all about.
All right. So, let's just tap in for a second, right? Take a deep breath. And remember, you can repeat after me if you want to. Say it out loud, even if you're alone in your car or something or you're alone. Just start saying it. Just start riffing, right? I'm running my own race. I define winning for myself. I am able to step into the best version of me for me. I allow myself space to grow into a new practice. I'm grateful for all that I have. I am a believer that everyone can win.
I know that what others do doesn't affect me. I got this. Because you do. You got this. You keep going. And you know what? Let me just add, this is normal. It is normal to fall into that. Like I said at the top, we're being conditioned all the time to analyze ourselves, to compare ourselves, to compare numbers, to blah, blah, blah, quantify your life. And you don't, that's not our human nature. Or maybe it partly can be. It's tapping into something in our human nature. But that's not the healthy part.
You got this. It's totally normal to feel this way. But there is a way out. Because I just did it the other day. And you know what? It felt so good to let it go. But I had to get cognizant of it and let it go. So you got this. Thank you so much for being here. I love you so much. You are a badass. Keep, keep going. Keep shining bright. Till next time. Keep shining bright. Keep shining bright. Keep shining bright. Keep shining bright. Keep shining bright. Keep shining bright.
Keep shining bright. Keep shining bright. Keep shining bright. Keep shining bright. Keep shining bright. Keep shining bright.